Roleplay Special
by Darifica
Summary: This is why Kishimoto-sama should always come up with his own ideas...    Includes: Shounen-ai and themes not fit for children.  Fanfiction in celebration of Naruto's birthday. Happy belated b-day, Naru-chan!  Edited


******Konnichiwa Minna-san! ^_^**

******This fan fiction is a very random one shot created by an idea that popped up in my head during class (*sweat drop*) and I thought 'Hey, why not – it could be fun!' .. Of course I hadn't planned for it to turn out so very f*cking long, but I don't mind as long as you don't :) I'm not sure if you'll find my twisted sense of humor funny or not, but that remains to be seen.**

******On to some explanations…**

******Alrighty then, those of you who aren't familiar with these names should memorize who they are before reading the fic: **

******Kishimoto Masashi – The creator/mangaka of Naruto**  
******Takeuchi Junko – Naruto's voice actress**  
******Sugiyama Noriaki – Sasuke's voice actor**  
******Ishida Akira – Gaara's voice actor**

******And yes, these are REAL people and REAL names!**

******After deciding to write down this story I checked when Naruto's b-day could be (out of pure curiosity) and boy, was I shocked. I was like "NANI? It's THAT soon? Oh.. that's cool..."**  
******Anyhow, happy belated b-day Naru-chan! :D (I'm sorry I couldn't finish this one on time, but I ****__****really ********tried and I'm only 1 day late!)**

******I should mention that the humor displayed in this fic is NOT for really young/sensitive people. I'm honestly unsure whether I should change it into M-rating or keep it at T-rating. You'll have to tell me what you think. T-rating is okay, no? Also, there is not really any point to the story. It's just weird, sort of adult humor and a way of showing how the characters ****__****could ********have been if they had been a lot different. It might seem as if I'm bashing a lot of characters here, but it's not meant to be personal. I like most of them, really! I'm wasn't trying to make fun of them. They just turned out this way, promise!**

******Warnings: Shounen-ai (SasuNaru/SaiNaru, KakaNeji, hints of GaiLee), naughty language, mentions of drugs, alcohol usage, smoking, slight sexual harassment, intentional crack and major OOCness... Oh and the timeline is pretty damn screwed up because the 'kiddies' are about.. 14 years old here, Naruto has returned, Sasuke is on team 7 and Sai has shown up some time ago. (Let's just say Kakashi found him somewhere or something. That's an unimportant detail to the story, ne?)**

******Disclaimer: What to say? Umm.. I (sadly) don't have anything to do with Kishimoto-sama and the voice actors, so obviously they aren't my possessions. This is pure fiction made for entertainment purposes only and no, I do absolutely not mean to ridicule the people in this fan fiction in any possible way. I am merely borrowing their names for the making of this one shot. And in case you wondered, Naruto does not belong to me either. It's all Kishimoto-sama's. **

******There, happy now? :/**

******At last, let's get on with the story…**

******

* * *

**

_"Sugiyama-kun! What's this?", Junko yells from the break room outside of the recording room of Studio Pierrot, where she and her co-workers have permission to relax in between recordings. She is leaning against a table in the middle of the room with a suspicious notebook in her hand. As she is about to start reading the contents of the notebook her colleague shows up in the doorway. Junko looks up to face him._  
_"What's what Junko-chan?", Noriaki asks curiously as he approaches the voice actress, keeping his eyes focused on the object in her hand._  
_"'My idea for the extra Naruto episode in honor of Naruto's birthday, October 10th'", Junko reads aloud. "What a long title", she comments with a slight giggle._  
_"Who wrote that?", Noriaki questions with piqued interest._  
_"No clue", Junko replies as she sits down, continuing to eagerly scan through the notebook._  
_Noriaki seats himself on the chair next to Junko's, peering at the text without his co-worker even taking notice._

******While the voice actors are reading, why don't the rest of us take a look at what is written after the headline as well...**

**__****'This is for my lovely co-workers in Studio Pierrot. Since Kishimoto-san has asked me, of all people, for an opinion so nicely I have come up with an idea of my own on how the Naruto special could go. He said he wanted to try something different and let the anime cast have a say in it for once, because he only just recently realized that he wanted to do a special chapter (later to be made into an episode) and I happened to be the person who came to his mind first, for which I feel very flattered. I hope you will all approve of my idea! ^.^'**

******...**

Three young shinobi teams of Konohagakure and the pale teenager Sai have been assigned to a mission by the Hokage along with the three siblings Gaara, Temari and Kankuro of Suna, who happened to be on a visit in Konoha. They are to retrieve a very important scroll from the Sound village, which has been stolen by some bandits.

A few Konoha ANBU spotted the enemy ninjas, with scroll in possession, fleeing from the crime scene and chased them until they suddenly couldn't sense their chakra anymore. They then presumed, that the thieves were exceptionally good at hiding their presences, and therefore gave up the chase temporarily, deciding to report the incident to the Godaime.

Tsunade was angered by the news however, when the ANBU members explained to her what the object in question had looked like she immediately went to check if the missing scroll was the one she thought it was. When she had confirmed that her theory was correct she breathed out a sigh of relief, which greatly confused the ANBU. She then informed them that the scroll was indeed very important, but it was sealed with a special technique, so in order for the bandits to be able to read the contents they would have to come back to Konoha and gather information on how to get rid of the seal or try to force the information out of some clueless, innocent civilians. Knowing this, the Hokage could rest assured that they would encounter the Sound ninjas again if they let them have their way. Even so, she still gathered some of the younger shinobi teams and assigned them to a mission, with the purpose of finding the thieves and getting the scroll, which consisted of forbidden jutsu, back before the enemies could return to the Leaf village. Even If this plan didn't work there would still be ANBU on guard all around the village, making absolutely sure no intruders were let inside. It wasn't that Tsunade was worrying herself to death, she was just being extra cautious. She wouldn't be able to forgive herself if she let anyone come to harm because of a sealed scroll.

"Ugh, just how far away is that village?", Naruto exclaims frustratedly in his usual loud voice. He is getting sick of just leaping through the trees for hours and hours.

"Be patient Naruto. We're ninjas, we don't become impatient for such minor reasons", Kakashi responds with a bored tone.

"He's right, you better suck it up Naruto!", Sakura warns him, although even she is starting to become restless.

"Sakura-chan is so mean..", Naruto mumbles under his breath, though loud enough to earn a cold glare from his pink-haired teammate.

**__****Two hours later...**  
_  
_Kakashi stops running abruptly and turns to hold his right hand up to show that they are all to stop. Instead of crashing into the jounin all of them notice the abrupt halt on time and stop right behind him... all of them... except, unfortunately, one blonde-headed ninja. It's too late for Naruto to stop when he's about to run into Kakashi however, the bored-looking sensei has of course anticipated this and jumps out of the way, allowing the blonde to fall down from the trees and land straight on his whisker-marked face. Kiba looks down at the bottom sticking up in the air. He doesn't try to hold back his snicker in the least, just like the majority of the young shinobi. Hell, even Sasuke can't help but grin and that's really saying something.

"Need any help, Naru-_chan_?", Sai teases.

"Shut UP, Sai!", the laughing stock exclaims as he pulls himself up in a sitting position. "Why the hell did you stop like that anyway, sensei-'tebayo?", he questions the elder irritably, obviously not liking the feeling of having his 'pride' hurt.

"I was just about to tell you, before Naruto insisted on making a spectacle of himself, that we should take a short break. You all need to rest a little, especially the girls", Kakashi explains, glancing towards Hinata's direction.

The Hyuuga heiress is panting slightly and although she's trying to hide it, one can easily tell that her stamina is getting low.

Sakura takes note of the teacher's concern and sighs. "I suppose you're right, Kakashi-sensei", she says in agreement.

Everyone nod and jump down from the trees to join Naruto, who is still rubbing his sore butt, on the ground. Lee starts to help the blonde up, yelling something like 'Keep up the spirits of youth, Naruto-kun!', but the other boy just pouts irritably, pushes the offering hand away and stands up with little difficulty.

"So, where do we go for food?", Kiba questions.

"You didn't bring food with you?", Kakashi inquires, raising an invisible eyebrow.

"Nope", Kiba replies with an uncaring shrug.

Kakashi sighs and slumps his shoulders. "Anyone else who didn't think of bringing food with them?", he asks as he scans the heap of teenagers.

"I didn't..", Naruto says hesitantly.

Sakura turns towards him and sends another death glare in his direction, which causes the blonde to shiver visibly.

Sasuke coughs uncomfortably. "..I didn't bring any food either.. Didn't think I'd need it", he admits.

Of course he didn't. Hunger isn't usually a weakness of his.

Sakura turns away from Naruto to stare at her crush, disbelieving of what she just heard.

Kakashi rolls his eye(s).

"Which means we have three people who didn't bring anything edible with them. I'd say it's best if we just try to find someplace like a restaurant or something, since I doubt the rest of us brought enough food to share with three people", he suggests.

"But where do you find a restaurant in the forest?", Tenten wonders critically.

"As a matter of fact, I know of one", Kakashi states boredly. "It's not very far from here, so we'd just have to run for about half an hour longer. Is that fine?".

"Hai", the majority of the young shinobi reply in unison.

With that they jump back up into the trees and resume the running.

**__****Half an hour later...**

"Well, here we are", Kakashi announces proudly, gesturing towards a somewhat small wooden building with roof made of hay. There's a slightly askew red sign on the door, which says 'Family Restaurant'.

Neji eyes the building suspiciously. After finding nothing off about the outside, other than the appearance, he activates byakugan and takes a look at the insides.

"There doesn't seem to be anything odd about it", he assures the other ninjas.

The others let out a sigh of relief. They are really getting hungry, so of course a restaurant doesn't sound bad at all.

Suddenly Gaara clears his throat, making everyone turn their attention towards him.

"I don't need food, so I'm going ahead of you", he states clearly, leaving no space to argue.

Temari laughs nervously and Kankuro sweat drops at his little brother's antics.

"Yeah.. That's right, Gaara never eats and he can take care of himself so it should be okay, don't you think?", Temari implies, looking from Kakashi to Kurenai.

Before any of the the addressed teachers can say anything about the matter Gai flashes a shiny, blending grin and replies with great vigour; "Of course that's okay! Go out there and show everyone the spirit of youth! We'll be right behind you in no time!"

The youths roll their eyes, except Lee who becomes teary-eyed and Gaara, who just stands there with his arms folded.

Kurenai clears her throat irritably after smacking the energetic, spandex-clad teacher over the head.

"Fine, you have permission to head for the Sound village before the rest of us. Just don't do anything rash", she tells the redheaded shinobi.

Gaara nods and takes off without looking back at the others.

"Now when that's taken care of let's enter", Kakashi, who is becoming uncharacteristically impatient, says and walks over to knock on the wooden door.

Nothing happens at first however, soon they hear some shuffling of feet on the inside and then the door opens slowly, revealing a stubby old lady.

"What do you want?", she asks grumpily.

Kakashi, who doesn't seem to mind her lack of manners, smiles kindly towards her and responds: "We've come to eat, if that's okay with you miss".

The woman's eyes widen briefly, before returning to normal.

"I think I've seen you before..", she states, narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

"Yes you have. I've eaten here before, a couple of years ago during a mission", the mask-wearing teacher replies dutifully.

All of a sudden the lady changes completely. She smiles fondly and steps aside, allowing the shinobi entrance into her home/restaurant.

They make their way inside and regard their surroundings. One side of the house consists of a bedroom, a small living room and a bathroom. The other side has a well-kept kitchen and a surprisingly big dining room, which is connected to the kitchen, with five big tables. The lady says nothing, just watches them quietly seat themselves at the tables.

"My name is Yoshida Kumiko", she introduces herself finally as she sits down on a stool in the kitchen.

The ninjas then take turns in telling her their names as well.

"Ah I see, so you're all shinobi I take it? I have people of your kind coming here once in a while. In fact, I could almost say I created this little restaurant in a place such as this because of shinobi. I'm old and I don't want too many costumers, as you can tell with the size of my house. I thought that creating a restaurant in the forest would be useful only to few travelers and I was right", Kumiko explains. "I must apologize for the rude greeting though. You see, lately there have been some pranksters knocking on my door and throwing stuff on my house..", she finishes bitterly.

"That's not very nice of them", Naruto says sympathetically.

Kumiko chuckles and stands up, looking at her guests.

"Yes well, enough about that", she states.

Then she smiles.

"Can I get you something to eat?"

"Ramen?", the blonde shinobi questions hopefully with a gleam in his blue eyes.

"Sorry.. I don't serve ramen", the old lady replies in an apologizing manner. "I'll give you the menu, just hold on", she adds and goes further into the kitchen to look through some heaps of paper on a kitchen counter.

Naruto's head slumps in disappointment. Sakura's eyebrow twitches and she hits him over the head.

"Ow Sakura-chan! What was that for?"

"You being rude. Just be happy you get food, baka!", the pink-haired girl exclaims.

"O-ok, I get it", Naruto assures her with a gulp, paling out of fear to get hit a second time and rubbing his head.

"Now now.. Try to get along, won't you kids? Sakura, you know how Naruto is..", Kakashi reasons with a parental tone.

Sakura pouts and crosses her arms, but keeps quiet.

"I found them!", Kumiko exclaims as she walks over to her costumers, proudly holding the menus in her hands.

She places a total of six menus on the table Gai's team is sitting in front of, watching four of them instantly ending up in the hands of Gai, Lee, Neji and Tenten. Naruto, Sakura and Kiba rush their way over, the fastest ones grabbing themselves a menu each. Sakura gets hold of one, but to her dismay it shortly gets ripped out of her hand by the grinning dog boy, who runs off to hide behind an uncomfortable-looking Hinata.

"Yatta! I got one!", Naruto gloates and waves the menu around as he goes back to sit next to the 'teme', as he refers to him as.

"Usurantonkachi..", Sasuke mumbles, but said loser is too busy smirking and drooling over the different types of food presented in front of him to hear it.

"Just tell me when you're ready to order something", Kumiko says to the whole bunch of shinobi.

After a whole lot of pondering and changing their minds they all finally settle for one thing or another on the menu, for instance Naruto and Kiba decide to try out the tonkatsu (pork cutlet).

The owner of the house beams happily after hearing their orders as she takes back the menus and then she disappears into the kitchen to cook. The three teams of shinobi wait patiently.. well some of them do, others just try to start quarrels to ease their hunger and impatience.

"No Naruto, you will NOT teach that boy any more of those perverted jutsu!", Sakura exclaims angrily, making Naruto cover his head fearfully by reflex.

"But Sakura-chan! I promised Konohamaru that I would teach him my latest improvement of Oiroke no jutsu!"

"I said NO! You're going to make the kid into a disgusting pervert like that.. Jiraiya guy!"

"Konohamaru won't become like Ero-sennin, I promise!"

Naruto's female teammate doesn't say anything else, she just turns her head away arrogantly and refuses to look at the blonde, who sighs in defeat.

"Fine.. but I know you're just jealous because you're flat..", he mumbles almost inaudibly and freezes up in horror when he sees Sakura turning her pink head towards him in slow motion.

He didn't intend for her to hear that last comment. He closes his eyes, fearing the worst and waits…

"Okay my lovely visitors, I've finished all your orders!", Kumiko blurts all of a sudden with the cheeriest tone an old woman like her can possibly manage, causing the blonde boy to open his blue eyes. He then sees, to his huge relief, that although her fist is threateningly close to his face the violent girl's head is also turned in the direction of Kumiko, who has started serving their food.

Sakura instantly forgets about her anger towards Naruto and starts digging in like a hungry wolf, just like the rest of them.

"That was REALLY good Kumiko-san!" , Naruto exclaims in amazement as he finishes his last bite, grinning like an innocent child at the old woman.

The rest of them nod eagerly, agreeing with the Kyuubi vessel and Gai even lets a few tears fall as he rambles about how his meal tasted like the almighty flames of youth.

Suddenly Gai becomes dead silent and Kumiko's happy expression turns into an evil smirk, which makes Naruto tilt his head in confusion. He looks around himself, only to see that all of his fellow shinobi have collapsed beside the plates, some even with the back of their heads sticking out from their plates. The blonde lets out a shocked gasp as his eyes widen in extreme alarm. His head snaps back to face the old woman with hate-filled, narrowed eyes.

"What the hell did you do?", he growls.

"Don't worry little boy, they will be just fine. I just wanted to have some fun for once, since life gets quite boring out here in the forest sometimes", Kumiko replies, grinning wickedly. "I'm amazed to see you haven't been affected by it yet. You must have some very unique.. powers", she adds with a knowing glint in her wrinkled eyes.

Naruto opens his mouth to ask what exactly 'it' is, before he hears some movement on his left side. As soon as they collapsed the rest of the shinobi gang raise their heads slowly, blinking. The Kyuubi vessel sighs in relief and then he starts feeling dizzy. Everything becomes black the next moment.

Sasuke wakes up, rubbing his eyes groggily. His body feels weak, as if he has been sleeping for a month instead of training. This fact however, is forgotten once he spots an unconscious blonde on his right side. He quickly regards his surroundings. He doesn't spot anything out of the ordinary, except his teammate's state. When his vision at last clears up properly though, he notices that everyone else seem to be rubbing their eyes in the same sleepy manner as himself. And then his mind finally catches up.

"Naruto honey!", he exclaims frantically as he starts repeatedly shaking the shoulders belonging to the unaware body.

That exclamation reaches the ears of another black-haired boy with very pale skin.

"Naru..? What? What did you do to him you asshole?", Sai shouts furiously as he shows up by said asshole's side in a heartbeat, staring at the blonde with extreme worry and then proceeding to glare threateningly at the Uchiha.

Sasuke simply ignores him and continues trying to wake the unmoving Naruto up.

"Maa.. What's with all the yelling boys?", a disturbingly seductive voice purrs from the other side of the unconscious boy.

Sasuke and Sai pause their actions briefly to look up at the attention-seeking girl.

Sakura is sitting down calmly, leaning against her hand with her legs crossed, outfit purposely ripped in the most indecent places and lust-filled eyes as well as a playful grin plastered on her face. To put it simply, she looks like one horny slut and that she is.

The two boys shrug in disinterest after seeing it was just _her _speaking and then return their full attention to the blonde.

The pink-haired girl's expression doesn't change in the least, but she soon becomes bored just watching the two lovesick boys fuss over the unconscious one. She raises herself up from her seat and starts searching around the place, constantly mumbling something about 'smokes and vodka'. She growls irritably when she bumps into Kakashi, who is merrily busying himself with some kind of odd dance he refers to as 'mating season'. He spreads his legs in an impossible angle, then starts moon dancing. After that he bends down to touch his toes. Finally he spreads his arms as he jumps up two meters until his head touches the roof and comes down with a ballerina spin. Then the dance just repeats itself, with the white-haired man grinning and giggling like a retard.

Kumiko is sitting on her stool in the kitchen, watching the whole scene as if it's some kind of a movie, popcorn in hands and grin in place.

"NARUTOOOOO!", Sasuke screams for the last time as he feels his voice becoming hoarse, still desperately praying for 'his' dobe to wake up.

That seems to have the desired effect as the blonde's head snaps up abruptly, which causes it to collide with Sai's chin. The pale boy falls back and starts rubbing his throbbing chin, but he has a weird, perverted smile on his face. Sasuke's eyes begin to sparkle to see Naruto fully conscious again and he quickly wraps his arms tightly around the smaller boy, snuggling up to him like a stuffed animal. Tears begin to rapidly flow down his cheeks. Upon snapping out of his naughty fantasy Sai freezes at the sight, unable to move due to jealousy and anger.

"Honey! I thought you were dead!", the raven chokes out in between the sobs.

Naruto's eyebrows twitch dangerously as he stands up to angrily brush the boy off of him.

"Get the fuck away from me, you useless scum!", he spits, shaking with rage and disgust.

"Yeah, he doesn't belong to you and he never will, duck-butt loser!", Sai yells into the stunned Uchiha's face, smirking victoriously.

"Nor do I belong to you.. you freaking walking skeleton! Just leave me alone and shut your bread holes, both of you damn perverts!", Naruto shouts, his dark gangster-like voice sounding incredibly pissed off.

He glares at Sai, then Sasuke, then Sai and then back to Sasuke. Sadly, this doesn't seem to have any effect on either of them. They lick their lips in unison, then turn their heads to glare at each other, silently announcing war.

"It's all or nothing, dickless", Sai smirks.

Sasuke just gives him a dirty look.

Naruto has already turned his attention away from the lovesick boys and starts heading for the door, wishing for some fresh air if nothing else.

"Oh Naru-chan, you're so tsundere!", Sai squeals with heart-shaped eyes as he runs to catch up with the blonde, a nodding Sasuke trailing behind.

"I'm WHAT?", Naruto shouts, hardly trusting his own hearing abilities. He stops abruptly to consider the statement, rubbing his chin to show his thoughtfulness. "No Sai, you've got it all wrong. I'm not tsundere. Tsunderes have this cute, fluffy side to them. I may be 'tsun' but I sure as hell ain't no fucking 'dere'!", he declares firmly. "Do you see anything 'kawaii' about me?", he then asks, facing the other two as he tilts his head adorably in question.

If he wasn't such a blonde he wouldn't even need a verbal response, seeing how both Sasuke and Sai's noses explode into a heavy rain of nosebleed. Ever so slow minded as he is though, he just stares at the now unconscious boys with confusion written all over him.

"Aaaaara? Did I say something wrong?", he wonders out loud. "Oh well, whatever", he shrugs it off as he continues on his way, sloppily shuffling the bodies away with his feet.

The first thing he is greeted with outside is a katana (sword) heading his way. He dodges it expertly and then looks up at the attacker with a pleased smirk. After all, he was itching for a decent fight and he seems to have run into the perfect person for granting him that.

"Nice timing, Naruto-kun!", Hinata states as she pulls the sword back, also smirking.

"You too Hinata", he replies. "So, you wanna spar?"

"I thought you'd never ask!", the girl blurts eagerly, staring at the blade of the katana with a bit of drool running down her jaw.

Just by looking into her Hyuuga eyes one can easily tell that the girl is absolutely obsessed with fighting. If she was a pervert like Sakura she'd most probably be quite turned on by now, just thinking about the fight to come.

They get into their individual fighting stances, both of them staring intently at each other.

"To make it fair.. Let's not use any weapons, mkay?", Naruto suggests.

"Fine with me", Hinata grins.

And then the fight is on.

**__****Meanwhile, inside of the restaurant aka house of hell...**

"Can you guys never take anything.. hic! ..seriously? I swear, one day I'll...", Gai grumbles angrily, swaying a bit as he speaks.

Kakashi doesn't even pause his dancing to look up at him. As a matter of fact, none of them, except Lee, pay any attention whatsoever to the grumpy, drunken man in the corner. They just continue their own business as if no one ever said anything.

Lee sits by himself, trying to be invisible as he ponders how to approach the man with equally thick eyebrows as him. Just thinking about speaking to Gai makes him blush furiously and he starts stuttering rapidly to no one in particular. Finally though, he decides to do something bold. He stands up with fierce determination and starts walking towards his goal. On his way there he gets run over by a crazy person. Tenten literally bumps into him, which sends him flying five meters in the opposite direction. The girl just continues doing whatever she was doing without as much as an apology and Lee sits up, rubbing his sore elbow.

"Well, that does it. I just don't have any luck with romance", he mumbles unhappily as he retreats back to the corner he came from to gaze longingly at the person of his dreams.

All his determination has vanished. He wishes that he wasn't born to be such a shy wimp. But then again, shit does happen.

So what's Tenten up to? Well, she's currently razing around the place with glowing, red eyes. She's desperately trying to get her hands on some bombs or something similar to that. The girl wants to blow something up, for her hands are twitching and she can hardly control herself. One can't really blame the freak for not noticing the skinny little boy she sent flying.

Tenten suddenly spots a messy Sakura wobbling around with a vodka bottle in her right hand and a cigarette in the other. Seeing this causes an evil, calculating grin to appear on her face as she speeds off in the pink-haired girl's direction. Sakura looks up from admiring her own toenails to face Tenten with a questioning look.

"What?", she asks.

"Mind if I borrow that cigarette?", Tenten inquires innocently.

"What for?", Sakura wonders with a voice full of suspicion.

"Nothing really. But if you must know then just follow me and see"

Sakura ponders her options for a minute, before shrugging.

"Alright whatever, let's just get it over with", she states in a bored tone, handing the cigarette over to the psychopathic girl.

With that the two of them join the sparring pair on the outside.

Kumiko watches them leave, a pleased smirk on her face because the 'movie' is quite interesting so far and she just got rid of the one and only person who was able to arise a slight bit of fear in her. Next she averts her eyes to look at what's going on with the 'dog boy'. She can't help but chuckle a little, it's far too amusing.

"What do you MEAN you forgot the cocaine at HOME? What the HELL am I supposed to sniff then, huh NII-SAN?", Temari yells furiously into her brother's ear as she holds him up in his feet, letting the poor guy dangle upside-down.

"Ca-calm down, T-Temari! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! It won't happen again, I promise! Please, let me down!", Kankuro cries, keeping his eyes firmly shut as he feels the blood drain from his head.

Kiba is standing next to the two of them, watching the torture timidly.

"A-ano.. Temari-san.. I.. I think you should l-let him go.. He r-really regrets it", he stutters with an overly flushed face.

Temari averts her eyes from Kankuro to stare at the other boy irritably.

"And when the fuck are YOU going to stop using 'watashi'? (A/N: If you didn't know, 'watashi' is a way of saying 'I' in Japanese which is mainly used by females) No real men say that these days!"

Kiba just stares at the woman in disbelief and outrage for a moment, before finally opening his mouth hesitantly.

"I-I'm not a man.. Temari-san.. I-I b-believe I'm f-female.."

Temari's eyes become big as dinner plates and she drops her unprepared brother on the floor instantly, causing the man to cry out in pain.

"Seriously?", she questions, now sounding quite curious.

"Y-yes", Kiba replies quietly, avoiding her gaze only to spot Kankuro crawling away while his sister is busy and disappearing out through the front door.

"Hmm", the blonde woman mumbles as she slowly approaches the self-proclaimed 'girl'.

Kiba backs away shyly.

"Then, how come..", Temari starts, trapping the gender confused person in between the wall and herself. "You have one of.. THESE?", she exclaims triumphantly with a creepy laugh as she grabs hold of the area between Kiba's legs.

The sudden sexual harassment causes the poor victimized boy to freeze up, turning still like a doll with a _really _pale face, even paler than Sai's.

"B-but.. My mother told me it's g-going to f-fall off when I g-grow up..", he whispers devastatingly before fainting.

Temari looks down at him, checking his pulse to see if he's still alive. After making sure that he's fine she sighs and says: "Not going to happen, but boy when you wake up I can cut that thing off for you if you want, not that losing it will automatically give you a pussy though".

Then she walks off to look for the one who managed to escape, letting a creepy smirk form as she thinks of all the torture he's going to go through as soon as she gets her hands on him.

Back at Gai's table there is now an addition of people as Kurenai and Shino have both seated themselves opposite of the man. Gai himself has passed out long ago.

The owner of the house is pleased with herself for filling the place with alcohol, since it's a very effective way of getting the annoying people to shut the hell up.

"And I was like... Buhhhhhhh... I just wanna.. burp!.. huggle! Ya knoow?", Kurenai blabbers incoherently, not really focusing her eyes on anything special but instead letting them wander around the place as she tries to hold a conversation with the bug boy.

"Mhmm..", Shino responds, using a bimbo voice.

His sunglasses have fallen off, but his eyes are still shielded from the view of everyone, since his head is bent down yet held up with his hands as he leans his elbows heavily against the table, partly trying to hold the urge to throw up and partly trying to talk to his 'gaaalfriend'.

"Buh don't give up Kunai! Thish ish whaa ya'll doo: Ya walk up to tha horny bast..basturd an ya say 'Take meh or else I.. swear to Bud..haa thaa I'll bite ya dick off.. burp!'"

Kurenai giggles uncontrollably.

"Shin-chaan, I'm no kun.. hic! ..ai! Hehehe.. An.. I.. don't wannah fuck 'im yet! But maybeh I sho..uld.. Theen he couul..d maybeh s..slop tryin ta.. hic! steaal my pa-ties an' I coul' borro' 'is ten..ta-cle ra-peh man..gas widhout 'im whi..ning abouh it!"

"Cheeeers to thaa Kunaii!", Shino grins, raising his bottle of sake.

Kurenai copies his action, before she collapses with one last burp, joining Gai in his deep slumber.

Shino hardly notices, for he hurries to the bathroom to empty the contents of his stomach.

When he's done puking he pulls out another bottle from the kitchen, not paying any attention to the woman sitting there, and wobbles over to watch Kakashi and Neji dance.

Neji has joined Kakashi in his dancing and things are getting heated, at least to one of them. Kakashi has improved his 'mating season' greatly and he never seems to be getting tired. Neji, on the other hand, is trying to tap dance, but he isn't doing very well. He keeps falling on his butt. After the fifth time Kakashi comes over and helps him up, while Neji pouts grumpily for having shown weakness around another man. Kakashi smirks knowingly.

"Why don't you join me instead of dancing by yourself, Neji-kun?", he offers.

The Hyuuga looks up at him, startled by his words.

"I can?", he questions hesitantly, though the older man can tell that he is quite eager to learn how to dance properly.

"Of course!", Kakashi assures the boy as he grabs his hands, putting one of them on his own shoulder and the other on his waist.

Neji feels embarrassed, because this wasn't exactly what he had in mind. Nonetheless, he starts dancing with the man and everything goes well. Shino has started singing songs by Celine Dion, which provides great motivation for the two of them. Then everything crashes. Neji, who has been contently basking in Kakashi's dancing skills, suddenly feels something crawling on his ass. He jumps a little in surprise and turns around to look at what he thinks is a spider, only to see the perverted man's hand rubbing _his _ass. He tears apart from Kakashi in a heartbeat.

"What the fu.. funk! are you doing you pe-pe-pedobear!", he exclaims, blushing crazily.

Kakashi feels as if he's been hit in the head with a hundred bricks all at once and then kicked in the balls by a kick boxer.

"You didn't like that very much.. Did you?", he implies, sweat dropping.

Neji just glares at him. Then he turns around abruptly and walks over to join Shino, who has stopped singing by now. As if to indicate his dislike towards the man's action he grabs the sake bottle from the drunken boy's hand and starts drinking directly from it. It's gross, but it does what it it's supposed to do. He soon feels the alcohol entering his veins and it turns out that he is very.. aggressive when he's drunk, doing things like splitting the table into half just by using one hand. Kakashi comes to the conclusion that he should never ever go near a drunk Neji.

"Aww.. Too bad, I was looking forward to ravishing the little brat.. Oh well, I'll have to just please myself with Icha Icha Paradise tonight then..", he sighs in disappointment as he walks over to the bathroom, pulling a perverted book out of his pocket.

**__****At the same time, outside of the Sound village...**

Gaara glances back frustratedly at the sound villagers chasing him. He has a scroll in his hand, which is the reason he is being chased. He just wants to go back to Suna. Thinking this he stops to perform a jutsu, which allows his sand to crush the enemies, before resuming the running. He momentarily wonders where on earth his so-called comrades are, before pushing the thought aside. It doesn't matter. He's done what he came to do, so he has no reason to care.

Out of pure luck the redhead stumbled upon some fools who were talking loudly about the location of the scroll. He assumed they were the bandits who stole it. After killing the guards who surrounded the mentioned tower he used his sand to break into it and stole the scroll back. Unfortunately the sound nins weren't that stupid, they did notice him before he had the chance to escape from the village, but he managed to get rid of the majority of them relatively fast.

**__****Back at the messed-up part of the forest...**

Sakura, in her ripped outfit, watches the crazy girl indifferently, occasionally taking a sip from her vodka bottle.

Tenten is currently throwing a lit cigarette at an unsuspecting anthill, seeing it burn in fascination.

"Hmm.. It would be nice to have something a little more.. explosive to throw at them, but this works.. Ne Sakura, do you have any more cigarettes? I wanna try throwing a whole bunch of them at one anthill!"

"No, I don't have an unlimited amount of cigs.. You've gotta ask someone else for that. But seriously, aren't you done soon? It's getting cold..", the pink-haired girl growls impatiently as she wraps her arms around herself.

"Come on, just light three more! After that I'll find something else to throw at them! Please!", Tenten begs.

"Fine fine.. Here we go", Sakura sighs and lights three cigarettes with her lighter, then starts smoking all three of them at the same time.

She refuses to let the precious lighter she found inside of Kumiko's house be directly used for putting some unworthy ants on fire.

Three minutes later Tenten is readying herself to throw fully three cigarettes at another poor anthill. She takes a deep breath and then throws them to land perfectly in the middle of the heap. Sakura rolls her eyes. The anthill burns up and starts becoming ashes. Tenten laughs manically.

"Yeah baby! Watch those fuckers burn!", she screams in between laughing.

"Anyway Tenten, I'm going inside now..", Sakura says and leaves the other girl laughing on her own.

When the laugh attacks finally are subdued Tenten starts inspecting the damage she has done with a genuinely proud smile on her face.

She yawns, feeling herself becoming tired and therefore goes back to join the others on the inside.

As Naruto and Hinata decide to stop the sparring they are both sweating profusely, though both of them are also feeling very satisfied with themselves.

"Now that's the real stuff!", Hinata screams, panting and grinning at Naruto.

"Hell yeah!", he manages to yell as he too pants uncontrollably and leans against a tree.

When the two of them have calmed their racing hearts and the breathing has returned to normal Naruto is about to suggest that they go back inside to see what the bakas are doing, but then the door opens.

"There you are honey! I was just about to look for you!", Sasuke exclaims delightedly from the doorway, his face lighting up remarkably as he spots the blonde.

Naruto turns his head to glare at the annoying duck butt and then he sees the walking skeleton standing behind the other, desperately trying to push Sasuke aside in order to get a full view of the Kyuubi holder. Sasuke just stands there though, eyes sparkling like a deformed magical girl anime character. Naruto sighs heavily and face palms, mumbling something about 'idiots never know how to give up'.

"Alright come on, let's go in Hinata", he says and motions the girl to follow, not even granting Sasuke a reply.

Hinata nods. They walk past the lovesick boys without a word to join the other retards on the inside.

Sasuke and Sai, completely unaffected by the coldness, close the door behind them, before following the blonde like two loyal puppies, making Naruto pray that they're house trained and that it's not currently mating season. That would be troublesome.

He surveys the area with raised eyebrows and wide eyes: Lee is sitting in the far corner, twiddling his own fingers and looking half-bored, half-frustrated.. Really, it's hard to tell what the furrowing of the thick brows means. Kakashi is still dancing, at the same time that he's reading Icha Icha Paradise and letting out a perverted giggle once in a while. Neji is repeatedly hitting an unconscious Shino over the head, looking extremely pissed off as well as drunk as he screams 'Baka hentai, baka Shino for dying, baka Kakashi, baka baka baka!' with a girly voice. Kurenai and Gai have passed out not far away from Shino. Kiba is constantly looking down his own pants, then looking away with a blush, seeming confused with the discovery. Tenten is playing with a lighter and looking around for something to burn. A nearly half-naked Sakura is walking around with a few bottles of vodka, desperately trying to get some attention from the guys by exclaiming that she can offer them a great time in bed for one night. Hinata just stares. Sasuke and Sai are both clinging to Naruto, pulling his arm and sniffing his hair. Temari and Kankuro are nowhere to be seen. Kumiko is chuckling evilly.

"Oi.. Whatever alien abducted these people must have had hella lot of fun playing around with their brains and sanity", Naruto mumbles.

Hinata, who has pulled her katana back out to admire it (aka drool over it), agrees.

"Of course Naru-chan, anything you say must be right", Sai states dreamily.

Sasuke nods fervently. Naruto rolls his eyes.

"Will you shitheads stop clinging to me already? It's pretty damn annoying", he grumbles.

"NEVER!", they scream in unison, snuggling even closer to the blonde to prove their stubbornness.

Suddenly Sasuke smirks and starts humping Naruto's leg. Sai takes the other leg. Naruto explodes.

"Just.. leave... me... A..LONE!", he shouts furiously as the Kyuubi chakra leaks out, pushing the horny boys far away from him.

They whimper in disappointment, though none of them dare approach their precious blonde, whose blue eyes have turned crimson, a second time. All they can do now is reject the pink-haired monster's offers until the alcohol in her brain finally does what it's supposed to do. And it does: Fifteen minutes later she is lying on the floor, snoring loudly and touching herself in improper places with a perverted grin.

Naruto has returned to normal, but he's out of things to do so he just lets himself doze off as he forgets about the two perverts and their intentions. Sasuke and Sai obviously don't hesitate to take advantage of the situation. They creep up to the blonde, perverted grins in place as they loom over the snoozing boy. Then they-

All of a sudden the door bursts open and in comes none other than Gaara, sister and brother closely behind. Kankuro is looking quite beaten up, while Temari looks perfectly content. Gaara, on the other hand, is clearly irritated. He ran into the other two by coincidence, only to find out that the ones he is supposed to refer to as 'comrades' have been lazing around the entire day, while _he _completed the mission by himself.

Kumiko takes note of the newcomers. Sighing, she snaps her fingers without further ado. Fun time is over.

Just like that everyone return to they original selves.

Sakura wakes up, feeling oddly cold. She sits up and realizes that she was sleeping on the _floor_ of all places. Then she looks down... and screams.

"Yiiieeeeee! Why am I half-naked?"

Everyone turn their gazes to the screaming girl and frown. How would they know? It's not their problem if she starts playing stripper all of a sudden. Okay, only some of them react that way.

Kurenai returns to consciousness, finding herself sprawled on a table opposite of Gai. Her head hurts like freaking hell and her usually half-mute student is seated next to her, wearing no sunglasses and looking positively messy. Beside Shino is one red-faced Neji. There are a bunch of empty and half-empty bottles spread all over the place. If that wasn't enough to shock the woman she'd be immune to everything.

She blinks twice to check if what she is seeing is real and fair enough, it is. Then she remembers the scream and looks back at the mortified Sakura. Kurenai's womanly side kicks in as she realizes that she'd better help the girl out. She stands up, swaying a bit, and makes her way over to Sakura, smiling as best as she can.

"Let me help you up", she offers and reaches her hand out to the girl.

Sakura looks up at her with tear-filled, yet grateful eyes. She takes hold of the outstretched hand and then allows Kurenai to shield her body.

As Kakashi snaps out if it he is confused to find Icha Icha Paradise in his hand. He can't remember taking it out since yesterday. He also can't help but wonder why on earth he's standing in such an awkward position, legs wide and all. After hearing her screech he looks towards Sakura. He raises an eyebrow at the girl's attire, thinking 'Shit, she wasn't kidding about being half-naked'. Then Kurenai shows up. Kakashi takes all this new information in slowly, wondering if it's a dream. Eventually he just scratches the back of his head, shrugs and starts looking around to see what the others are doing.

Tenten stares in bewilderment at the lighter in her hand. She looks around wearily, making sure that no one is paying attention to her. After confirming that no eyes are on her she puts the object in her pocket.

Hinata yelps and drops the katana. Of course she thinks that some asshole put it in her hand, since she doesn't use swords. She much prefers guns. Fine, that was a joke. She doesn't use weapons. Enough said.

If you thought those awakenings were bad..., then here comes something good for you:

Naruto wakes up to see two heads of black hair in his lap. His eyes start to bulge and his jaw drops out of pure shock.

Sasuke and Sai both wonder at the same time what the soft thing under their heads could be. Then they notice something orange and realization strikes. Sasuke lifts his head hastily, only to bump it into Sai's and they both fall back. They stare at each other for a moment, not quite able to comprehend the situation they've ended up in.

The blonde shifts uncomfortably.

"Uhm.. Guys? Could you get off-'tebayo?", he begs quietly as he blushes and avoids looking at them.

Sasuke and Sai both turn red as tomatoes, which is very unlike them, and pull themselves up with as much dignity as they have left.

Kumiko watches with great interest. Gaara's anger has disappeared and turned into growing confusion.

"Okay, what the _hell _is going on here?", Kurenai blurts all of a sudden, causing the others to flinch.

The old woman sighs as she finally rises herself up from her kitchen stool and walks straight into the scene she has caused.

"My my.. I didn't know you Konoha shinobi were such heavy drinkers. I must say it was an interesting sight to see though", she cackles.

Everyone turn to stare at her, some even glaring.

"You did something to the food. Of course..", Kakashi reasons, visible eye narrowing. "How stupid of us to trust you!"

Kumiko chuckles.

"Oh don't be like that. I just wanted some entertainment. You have no need to know how I did it though. That's a se-cret", she teases.

"You old ha-!", Naruto exclaims, but is interrupted by a redhead.

"It doesn't matter. I've completed the mission already. We can go back", Gaara states matter-of-factly.

"You WHAT?", all the other ninjas shout in unison, astonishment evident in their voices.

"I've gotten the scroll", he replies, unaffected by the shouting.

Temari and Kankuro are so proud of their brother's accomplishment that they can't help but tear up.

"Wow Gaara! You're going to become the Kazekage at this rate!", Naruto praises and leaps forward to pull the unprepared redhead into a hug.

"Yeah well, I'm just fuckin' epic like that!", Gaara exclaims in a mocking tone, grinning wickedly as he returns the blonde's hug.

******...**

_"It's HIM!", Junko yells in realization._

_"Indeed, it couldn't possibly be anyone else than-", Noriaki starts, but is cut off by the sound of a door slamming open to reveal another colleague of theirs._

_"ISHIDA-KUUUN! What's the meaning of this?", the only female in the room demands to know._

_Akira scratches the back of his head awkwardly. _

_"Eheheh.. You guys didn't happen to.. read that, did you?", he asks._

_Junko and Noriaki just give him a look that says 'you're in trouble now'._

_"Uhh.. I.. was going to edit that!", the newcomer exclaims fearfully._

_The next thing they know is that Akira has snatched the notebook out of Junko's hands with inhuman speed and started to head for the door. The other two voice actors run after him persistently._

_"You're not getting away with that, Ishida-kuuun!", Junko shouts in a cheerful tone, an eerie smile on her face._

_Akira keeps running and looks back at the others briefly, eyes widening when he spots the look on Junko's face._

_"I knew you'd be angry if you read this and that's why I hurried back here once I realized I forgot my notes, but..", he pants. "Why do you want to KILL meee?", he wails loudly._

_"Because, Ishida-kun. You. Are. Not. To. Mess. With. Kishimoto-san's. Characters!", Junko explains clearly, seemingly not affected by all the running._

_Suddenly she appears in front of Akira, causing the man to freeze up. _

_"And besides", she continues as she walks up to him slowly. "Did you really think I'd.. want to memorize all those lines you've given Naruto-kun?", the woman whispers darkly into his ear, causing Akira to gulp. _

_"Anyway, I'm off to feed the cats. See you tomorrow!", she announces, smiling carefreely all of a sudden._

_The two men end up staring after her as she skips away happily, both of them most probably thinking: 'Women...'_

******~ The End ~**

******

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******Now wasn't that weird? Yeah, I know... And it was probably not even funny. Just extremely LONG. Haha, Naru-chan pretty much kicks ass both as male and 'female' here though, if you get what I mean ;)**

******So.. The thing with Tenten and anthills is partly something that has happened to me several times irl. Once a year during a special occasion which is called 'Villoavslutning' (Translated: Summer House Closure) we tend to shoot fireworks and stuff. There are these tiny firework thingies that aren't really fireworks. ********It's hard to explain, but if you light 'em up then there's gonna be one hell of a noise and that's about it. (Of course one shouldn't try to put their fingers there though! xD) The thing is that when me, my sisters and our cousins were younger we (or them, cause I tend to walk away from crowds) used to throw those tiny 'fireworks' on anthills. Well, it was mostly just my cousins but ya get the point. Lol :P It's quite funny now that I think about it. But also cruel. Back then I'd just stand there and watch for a little while, before becoming bored and going inside to join the adults. I dunno what's with my cousins and torture. I can tell you though that their mom, who is quite scary sometimes if you ask me, wasn't very happy when they did that, but they were really stubborn about it x_X Poor hard-working ants! xD**

******Oh and since I doubt Akira-sama has this much free time, he didn't actually write this whole thing. He wrote down most of the characters' lines and explained the situations with no detail whatsoever. The rest of it is added by me, which means that Junko-sama and Noriaki-sama read a shorter version and that's the reason they didn't get bored! xD**

******Anyway, I'd really appreciate it if you'd leave a review.. I don't mind constructive criticism. It helps me improve.**

******Onegai with cherry on top? :) **


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